NGOSIBA LUKAMKHEKHELEZI
# Le ngosi iyi-satire, kayibalungele abantu abane-depression
KUNESIMO esidlubulundelayo, esiphulukundlelayo, osekuyoba nzima ukusilawula mhla kwaphatha uhulumeni o-serious – hhayi lo weqembu elijabulela ukuthi uJulius Malema waphunyukwa ngamafinyila eMoses Mabhida Stadium. Ngikhuluma ngesimo senhlamba ezinku-ndleni zokuxhumana. Lezi zinkundla sezi-sikhombisile ukuthi yinqwaba yabantu ephethwe wukhwantalala, i-depression ngolokucela izinkobe. Kabakwazi ngisho ukubona amancoko. Udokotela wami wake wangitshela ukuthi kunento laphaya ebuchosheni ebizwa nge-seratonin, wathi uma isikubambe phansi i-depression, umfo ka-seratonin lo, uvela ehle. Uma esehlile-ke umfo ndini lo – kwazise ufana nebhuloho elidlulisa ama-mood – kuthi noma umuntu ethi uCyril Ramaphosa uyinyathi, wena uvele uthi uyathukwa. Awulangazeleli kusho ucansi uma espelhe waze wayoshaya emaqakaleni.
Futhi iningi labantu abaphefumula inhlamba ezinkundleni zokuxhumana, ngabaKwaZulu-Natal. Ngithukeni, vele anginandaba, inhlamba kayisanamatheli la kimina. Phela mina kangigcobi i-super glue uma ngiqeda ukugeza.
Uke ubhale noma ukhulume into eyakhayo kulezi zinkundla, kuvele kuqhamuke isibhubhunyeka sesidwanyampuphu, sikujikijele ngo-10kg wenhlamba engingeke ngiyilobe la ephephandabeni elihloni-phekile. Kuthi noma bebuza abanye – ukuthi uthukelwani ngoba ukhuluma iqiniso – nabo babhunyelwe ngoJojo tank wenhlamba. Imvamisa ubizwa ngaphansi kweziketi zikanyoko.
Uyacabanga-ke uthukwa ngonyoko ngumuntu ongena-data, ohlala eduze kocingo lwase-library the whole day, enkashela iWiFi! Kwale WiFi akayisebenziseli izinto eziphusile njengokuthungatha umsebenzi noma ukuthola izindlela zokuvula i-tuck shop evuthayo. Ubhizi ubuka imikhuba, amehlo aseze aba bomvu sengathi u-overdoze intshokovane. Kwala noma sekuthiwa uDlamini uthe udinga uscabha wetekisi lakhe, imambana yale iphethe, ithi: “Bazothini nje abantu sengingubhut’ umnyango etekisini.” Une-nhlanhla ngoba kubo uyondliwa, mhla wa-phela lowo mbuso, uyokwazi ukuthi kunga-ni kunabafowethu abehla benyuka becosha izinsimbi abazozidayisa. Unina use-ngamane alale engadlile, inqobo nje uma kudle leli qaba lembodla yakhe ebhodla i-sulphur oxide yenhlamba.
Besekuba yizingane zesikole, ikakhulukazi ezasemanyuvesi. Hheyi uke uthukwe ngumuntu kwi-social media, akubhabhadise ngodalimede benhlamba – sengathi uyi-gra-duate kwiNhlambaology – inhliziyo yakho isale ishaya nge-speed seFerari, kushise umzimba wonke, kuncinze izindawo ezica-shile. Uma uthi uyabheka i-profile yakhe, ma-meshane! Ifunda u-form 2 imambana. Kukhona othuke enye inhlalisuthi kuTikTok, wayishiya idabukisa, isho nokukhala. Sinebhadi ngoba nabathakathi sebengama-fong kong, ungathi bakhiwa eChina. Ukube bengikwazi ukuthakatha, umuntu ohamba ethuka abantu ko-social media ubezovuthwa. Bengizomloya udilikajele, kuthi njalo uma ethi uyabhala ezinkundleni zokuxhumana, iminwe ibe buhlungu sengathi ibambe uthi lokushisela oluvuthayo.
Inkinga ngale nto, uma inganqandwa, izophumela emindenini, uzwe ingane isi-khwela uyise ngezigaxa zenhlamba. Yila-pho-ke lo hulumeni wethu – ongazi noma liyaphuma noma liyashona – oyosukuma khona usuzenza abelungu. “You’re abusing your child, you must go to jail!” Yehhhhhhe-ni! Kwababaza uShenge wazihambela. Ubukuphi lo hulumeni le ngane ingihlukumeza, ingiwasha ngenhlamba? Phela thina bantu besilisa ngeke sithukwe yizingane zethu sithule ngoba sesaba lo hulumeni wamathenda. Siyolufaka nje uswazi ingane ize ibe nesibibithwane sengathi ivukwe yisithunywa.
Hulumeni, ngoba yonke into – ngisho no-kukhuliswa kwezingane zethu – wayiqoqela esikhwameni esilenga phakathi kwemile-nze yakho, awulungise le nkinga yenhla-mba kwi-social media ngoba uyophaphama sekuqubuke iSocial Media War I.
Hikhensile ngopfu ma-Afrika!
