NGOSIBA LUKA: REV MKHEKHELEZI
WE maNazaretha akithi, ake nikhuzane bo, sekwanele. Ake niyeke ukuhlambalaza igama likaShembe, nihamba nithukana nabantu ezinkundleni zokuxhumana sengathi niphiswe wumsuzo wepolitiki. Kimina-ke inhlamba kayinamatheli, ningangithuka nje nilubhade, nisuke eThekwini nize niyojika eMontrose, akuthi diki. Kodwa ngikhathazeke ngaleli gama likaShembe enilihudula odakeni, awoyihlomkhulu nibe niwafuye laphaya ko-round bangenhla, kanifuni ngisho nokuthi singene nophaqa.
Kunensizwa la engibhale ngomdlalo wocansi waseSweden, ngabe sengibabaza ngathi: “Shembe + Nhlangakazi = Nazareth Baptist Church,” hhawu yangichapha ngenhlamba sengathi yafunda e-creche yasesihogweni, yaqhubeka yaze yayokwenza i-doctorate khona belu kwahhele. Ngeke ngiyisho ngegama. Ithi kungani ngifaka uShembe kulo doti ebengikhuluma ngawo.
Hhayi mntanekhehla, ngisazoqhubeka nje ngibabaze ngoShembe ngisho usukhala uzibhonqa kuhle komuntu odliwa wuphoyizeni awuphuze kusabhoke idimoni lokuzibulala – emuva kwalokho lamshiya yedwa. Aze ampongoloze ngesiNgisi sokugcina umuntu efa. “Please call the doctor, I am dying!” Usho nje, uyazi ukuthi kwa-ambulance uyibona kanye ngenyanga endaweni yangakubo. Sisho ngenhliziyo sithi: “Mudle phoyizeni wakhe!” Ngeke phela siyeke ukubabaza, ukufunga noma ukuphawula ngoShembe ngoba nakhu nina nitshathe obhaskidi abalayishe odalimede benhlamba. Uma nithi uShembe owenu, wayeze kini; nathi sithi wayeze kithi, finish and klaar. Ngeke-ke sitshelwe yini ukuthi ngubani ozothola u-5% kaShembe, ubani ozothola 25% nina-ke ziqhwaga besenigodla u-70%. Phela uShembe akawona amasheya ama-tuck shop asemakini lawa esenawaqashisela ama-international, futhi kasinikweleti incazelo yobudlelwano bethu naye. Habe!
Kuyadinga nje nokuthi bakithi umuntu axubhe uma ezoyokhetha iNkosi. Kunabantu abakhetha iNkosi kade befobelana nophuthu namaqolo amadada, uyasuka uyokhetha iNkosi namazinyo agcwele isithwalaphishi. Useyohamba ethuka abantu-ke ngoba phela umlomo wakhe kawuhlanzekile.
Umuntu ukhetha iNkosi nezidumbu engahlambulukile. Usaqhubeka khona eseyikhethile, weba izimbuzi zabantu ebusuku, ngeSabatha emini, nanguya elengise isilevu eyongena ethempelini. Lutho njalo ukudlula kumhlambululi ayosho ukuthi: “Ewu mhlambululi baba, kuthathe kwaphunyukeka la, ngaqoqa izimbuzi zikaMathula esibayeni sakhe ngephutha. Eyodwa isidlekile ngephutha kanti ezinye kwenzeke iphutha zadayiseka.” Sekuyothi uma siphawula ngoShembe noma ngoJesu – ngisho singalwi – avukwe yiqunga, zibe la izipoki, zimhlohle zithi: “Uyamuzwa edakwa? Vele umbulale njengembuzi kaSikhakhane.” Sibabaze-ke thina sithi weJesu + Cross = Christianity. Omunye athi: “Ngiyamkhetha uJesu njengeNkosi noMsindisi wempilo yami.” Ahlale iminyaka ebandleni egula ebangwa nezibi. Aze agcine adinelwe uJesu athi akanamandla, kanti nguyena, wakhetha iNkosi nezikhwama zikayisemkhulu zobuthakathi. Phela le nto yenkolo ihambisana nomlilo wakwelikamoya, uma uzoyikhetha namabibi, ayavutha, sibone ngawe uvukwa wumrintinti, usuziveza ubuwena, ushaya, uthuka abantu egameni likaShembe noma likaJesu.
Munye kuphela umuntu ongasivimba ukuthi sibabaze ngoShembe noma ngoJesu, ngone-patent yakhe – omunye nje, makame le kude noyisemkhulu ababengakwazi ngisho ukuphatha umhlangano wamakhehla asendaweni.
Ngiyacela nje lapho baba uMdletshe eBuhleni – ngiyazi uyafunda la ngoba ngiyakwazi, wena nencwadi nguMkhekhelezi namaqiniso – baba uNgiba eKuphakameni, baba uSibisi eThembezinhle nakuwe baba uMbongeni Khuzwayo eGinyezinye, tshelani ozakwenu lapho ukuthi ngithe, mina nginguRev Mkhekhelezi, ngeke ngiyeke ukubabaza ngoShembe, ngisho sebekhala izinyembezi zika-paraffin. Ukuthi ngibabaza ngise-toilet, akudokwe eligayelwe bona lelo. Phela ngeke uma ngibona inyoka e-toilet ngithi: “Ow my Gosh! A snake!” Ngizothi: “Yehheni we Shembe, inyok’ engaka!” Noma ngithi: “Jesu obunene othobe ngenhliziyo, yenza inhliziyo yale nyoka ifane neyakho, amen.” Ngeke mina ngitshelwe ngumuntu ngoShembe, uma uShembe efuna ukungitshela something, uyangitshela nje. Nibuze uKhuzwayo lo engimlobe lapha ngenhla ukuthi kangimtshelanga yini ngo-2009 ukuthi ingxenye enkulu yamaNazaretha izoxebuka eNhlangakazi, Kwenzekani-ke emuva kokukhothama koThingo ngo-2011? Ningazodlala la nina, nithuka i-silent right handman kaShembe!
Hhayi impela uma kuwukuthi ezulwini sisayophinde sihlale nabantu abathuka noma abashaya abanye egameni lenkolo, sengathi kuzodinga ukuba uNkulunkulu abe ephuthuma ekhipha ithenda yokwakhiwa kwezindlu zomxhaso phakathi kwesiholo nezulu. Siyozihlalela khona-ke thina sibuka kuchashwana ngenhlamba ngaphesheya.
Le ngosi iyi-satire, ilungele bonke abantu – kodwa hhayi amakholwa anenhlamba (ukube-ke kuyenzeka, ngabe ngifaka lo popayi ohlekayo)
